• Women aren't that bad, but wives...!
• Your lucky number is 6478389077163. Watch for it everywhere.
• If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fart.
• I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
• You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
• Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.
-Scott E. Roeben
• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
-S. J. Perelman
• An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.
• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
• Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
• See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them
• The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
- Robert Benchley
• The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
- Ambrose Bierce
• Quotations in my work are like wayside robbers who leap out armed and relieve the stroller of his conviction.
• When one begins to live by habit and by quotation, one has begun to stop living.
- James Baldwin
• One must be a wise reader to quote wisely and well.
- Amos Bronson Alcott